So, this afternoon I FINALLY got a chance to sit down and read the article along with the online comments and then the online chat with Ian Shaprio, the author. I had no idea this topic would create so much controversy and so many defensive comments! First of all I have t say that I feel that Ian, after spending time with Haley and I and really listening to me, got a good feel for our family and my reasonings for having Haley. I know how hard it must be to fit so much information in one small article and so not everyone will read the article with the same perspective or take it the same way. So, I elaborated a little on what was said in the article from my perspective.
To me, my decision to have Haley when I was 25 was a thought out, planned decision made both for logical and emotional reasons. I was in the right circumstances (married earlier and had been married for several years, financially stable) and was emotionally ready to take that next step in our family. I know not everyone is ready at 25 but Phil and I weren't your average 25 year olds. I also was not in a career path that I wanted to continue and knew that I still wanted to pursue a career for myself but also wanted it to be my passion and not just a job. So, the timing was great to take a break and have that time to spend with my baby while also exploring some different career options knowing I would have plenty of time to jump back into the career world and still be successful.
When I was pregnant and right after Haley was born I did experience some looks from people and did get a lot of "You're so young!" but it never bothered me. I didn't care what people thought because they didn't know me or my circumstances. I have wonderful neighbors and I am also very involved in my church and even though most of my friends are 5 - 10 years older than I am our kids, similar backgrounds and most of all our Faith in God bonds us. I can't imagine a more supportive and LESS judgmental group of people to have in my life.
I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to start my family at the age that I did. I am also so grateful to my baby for helping me rediscover my life's passion, photography. Now I am able to work at home and spend so much time with Haley and still feel fulfilled on a creative and intellectual level. Who knows where I'd be if I had continued to work in my old job and had waited to have a baby. So, this decision is a very personal one and will be different for everyone.
This area has so many outlets and support groups for moms so if anyone is having issues with loneliness as a mom please feel free to contact me directly! I'd be glad to share some great options with you. But, I do have to say you have to be bold and comfortable with putting yourself out there!
My biggest issue is actually support for stay at home dads, but that's a whole new topic!
11 comments:
Hi Erin,
I enjoyed the post article. I also had my first at 25 and was the only one of my group of college friends to have kids for a long time. I also felt like I was considered too young to be a parent by the older mothers in my neighborhood, but the biggest difference was I was a stay at home mom. I had finished college, worked overseas and traveled quite a bit when my husband and I got married. I went back to work part time when my youngest was three. The first three years of marriage, however, we lived on a military base overseas. Guess what people do in the military, since they are all young and fit? They have babies! We called it the 2 baby tour. Being a mom is great. Putting your six week old baby in daycare stinks. I am glad I had my kids when I did. We did make sacrifices, but what parent doesn't? Personally, I think 25 is perfect for your first one and 28 for the second!
Wow - who knew so many people had time to share their opinions. I will just say being a grandmother whos children were born when I was 27 and 29 I was on the end of people thinking I was older at the time for having children. You are right Erin. It is a very personal decision or not in the case of some wonderful surprises!
kjw
Good for you, Erin! It sounds like you picked a good time to start your family. This should be obvious, but there's no one-size-fits-all schedule for these things. I wasn't ready to have kids until I was in my late 30s. That turned out to be a good time for me and my husband (we now have two kids), but I can see the advantages of starting a family sooner than we did if you're in good circumstances to do it, as you were. There can be advantages to waiting, too. It's such a personal choice.
Best of luck to you!
Jen
Hi Erin,
A friend sent me this article, because I just had my first at 28. I'm the only person I know anywhere near my age who has a child, and it's tough!
As a the child of upper-middle class parents, a graduate of a top prep school and a top liberal arts college, there is such a set path that I was supposed to follow... and this path schedules kids somewhere between the ages of 35 and 45. I just knew that I didn't want to do that! For me, a career was never a top priority and I always knew that I wanted a big family.
I get asked totally inappropriate questions all the time:
- "Are you religious?" (and by this people mean "are you some crazy fundamentalist who believes the woman should be barefoot and pregnant?"),
- "don't you miss the freedom of being young?" (if you include college, I had almost a decade to take advantage of the drinking/clubbing scene. BTDT, and it wasn't that much fun. As for travel? My husband and I each get 2 weeks off a year, and we spend most of that visiting family. I don't know who these people are who just off to the Galapagos on a whim, and I will say I'm jealous... but that was never going to be me so it's hard to say I'm missing out!)
- "did you go to college?" (yes, and graduate school!)
I find it amazing how judgmental people are of my choices, and how they feel it's appropriate to air their disdain.
Good luck with your daughter... she is beautiful. I would not trade motherhood for ANYTHING at this point in my life. I would much rather have my children young, and to carve out an independent life after they go to college.
I am 29 and I live in Montgomery County and work in DC. I had my first baby only two months after I turned 26. I was 27 (almost 28) when my second baby was born. Most people think I am "nuts" having a baby (let alone 2) in my twenties. Most women I know have babies in their mid-30s or later.
When I had my first child, I was in professional school. Some people began to ostracize me when I was pregnant because they assumed that I was not serious about my career. I have also found it difficult in my job, not because I am not capable, but because there is absolutely no one in my position, who had children young. I feel constantly judged. That said, I love being a young Mom and I wouldn't have done it differently. But at the same token, most educated women (men seem more understanding) have decided that anyone who has babies prior to 35 has her priorities in the "wrong place."
Good luck!
Erin
I found the article very interesting. I agree that it is a very personal decision for everyone. However I do have to wonder if our society has become so consumed with success in the business world that we have forgotten the family aspect.
I understand that it is important to feel ready and financially stable before having a child. However, lets be honest are we ever really ready? Is there ever enough money? I think some of the views on having children later has to do with society and it's idea's of what we should do and have before becoming a parent.
To some degree this is sad to me. Life is so much more than a high powered job and money. It is about relationships, family, and friends. I have a college degree and I am currently finishing my graduate degree. Yet, after having a child at 25 and getting ready to have my second one at 26 I have realized that this is what life is about. Living life with children and family has made my life so much more fulfilling.
I know that some people would not agree and it is okay that they have a different perspective than me. Like you said Erin, it is a personal decision for everyone. I just wanted to share my thoughts on the topic.
Hi Erin,
I found your blog in the comments on the wapo article. My husband and I are 27-year-old college grads (and my husband just finished a master’s) with a 3-year-old daughter living in the DC area. We got married at 23 and had our daughter at 24. We were the first of our friends to get married and the only ones so far with a child. I think a lot of people thought we were “too young” to get married, even our parents.
Our daughter was actually a surprise – we were planning on waiting a few years to have kids so that we could afford to have me stay home or work part-time. Even if we hadn’t had the surprise pregnancy, though, we probably would have started having kids while we were still in our 20s.
Since the DC area is so expensive, the downside of having kids young is that we both have to work full-time. You’re so lucky you get to stay home! Fortunately, my mother-in-law watches our daughter during the day, which is awesome, and the next best situation to being able to stay home.
The reason we live in this area is because we both grew up here and wanted to stay near or families and our friends from high school and college, most of whom have stayed in the area. There are other things I love about DC, like the culture and the free museums, but I doubt we would live here if we hadn’t grown up here because of the cost of living.
We figured out that in a year or two we should be able to afford to have me start working part time, which other moms at my company do, at which point we’ll try for another baby.
Most of the parents we know are about 10 years older than us. It doesn’t really bother me, though, since I personally don’t feel the need to have friends who have kids. I’d rather hang out with my old friends who I’ve known forever. My husband and I certainly don’t get to go out as much as we used to, but I make an effort to keep in touch with my old friends, meet them for coffee, etc.
Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. I know this isn't the most crucial issue facing our country :-) but it is interesting to see the dynamic that makes up urban moms and how we're ALL dealing!
Hello Erin! I really enjoyed the article that Ian wrote, and I am sorry to hear that you had some negative comments come out of it. I don't understand why someone would feel the need to comment negatively on your personal decision to have a child?
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have 5 children and I am excited to say that I will be graduating this Spring.
I do not see a problem with juggling children, work, and a career!
Yolanda,
Yeah, I'm not sure what the big deal was either! But, some people just like to make everything a big deal. Thanks for your comment!
Erin
i just read this article...it's just crazy, how people think you're crazy and weird for wanting kids at a young age...my husband and i have been married for almost 5 years, and we have 3 kids...and i am just now 26 years old. 26 and 3 kids under the age of 4...yes, we get a lot of looks...sometimes i feel like people think to themselves..."poor kids...didn't anyone teach them about birth control" :)
anyways...i just have to laugh at articles like this...most people in this nation will never understand my reasoning for having kids at such a young age...but it's nice to meet others who have done the same thing!
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